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The research also clarifies some popular myths about love and marriage. These myths do not originate in ancient legends, but on common assumptions that most people take for fact. Worth exploring some of these myths and see its implications for establishing a good marital relationship.
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| often think of marriage as a good trade pact to raise children, manage assets and create links between families. In addition, it is expected that marriages are an endless romance, sexually passionate, intimately friendly, while meeting all the traditional priorities of parenthood, family connections and administration of essential tasks. | |
| Some believe that such high expectations are unrealistic and harmful to a happy marriage. However, recent research shows that while it is necessary to be realistic in our expectations, high expectations can lead to more attention to marriage and achieve better results. Spouses with low expectations do not seem to both themselves and are willing to settle for a mediocre marriage instead of one really good. Gottman agrees: "Those who have values higher and higher expectations for marriage have the best marriages, not the worst ".1 | Myth 2: Men are from Mars and women from Venus. |
| This saying, derived from a well-known book by that title, suggests that men and women have deep differences and expect things fundamentally different from marriage. A lot of popular books seek to help couples to address these differences based on the premise that there is a yawning gap between what men and women want. | |
| Do men and women have different styles to experience the marriage? Popular books based on this assumption often underestimate the importance of common factors between men and women about what they want from marriage. And, more importantly than that, ignore the results of research showing that highly marked gender differences are related to unhappy marriages, and that "there are happy marriages very few differences based on gender of the spouses. "2 In addition," the traditional machismo "(reflected in a dominant trend and controlling marriage) is statistically correlated with low levels of quality in the | matrimonial.3 is true that research has found some differences. Men, for example, tend to withdraw when faced with marital conflict, while women are more active orally in such cases. Is likely to happen because men are more easily overwhelmed by negative emotions in a conflict and it takes longer to recover physically from the confrontation. It is also common that men try to "solve" problems, while women prefer simply to be heard. Men also tend to be more visual in their sexual attraction patterns and less influenced by the relational context. Women are often better able to adapt to the emotional state of their partners, while men tend to be more competitive in the conversation. However, it is a fact proven by research that men and women want marriage remarkably similar things and both agreed that the deep friendship is the most satisfying of a good marriage. In listing the factors currently predict good marriages are slight differences in how the sexes classified what really satisfies a relationship íntima.4 One of the lesser reality is that men, on average, suffer more health problems than women the effect of negative emotions when they fail a good intimate relationship with the opposite sex. Couples developing strong, well suited to the personality of his peers and considered stable friendship as the foundation of a good marriage. Respect gender differences, if any, and look for ways to meet the needs of others. While the Bible uses different language to describe the role of man and woman in marriage, the common element that emphasizes mutual generosity is an attitude in which both are attentive and respond to the needs of another (see Ephesians 5:21-33). This description differs significantly from the radically divergent gender roles or male dominance over women that some have proposed, on the contrary, indicates that a relationship of love and mutual support is one in which both spouses are willing to make the extra mile the benefit of another. Myth 3. Active listening and the avoidance of anger to control conflict in a good relationship. In the past decades several authors proposed that couples engage in a process known as "active listening" to resolve their marital conflicts. Active listening involves identifying one's feelings clearly using words that reflect personal emotions, trying to express the concerns expressed by the couple in the form of paraphrase. It is very similar to what therapists do when they listen to their patients. Researchers analyzed marital disputes expected to find that successful couples will use this technique regularly to resolve differences and conflicts. But that was not what the researchers found. First, they noted that almost no one speaks that way in the heat of a disagreement. People do not use the prescribed words of "I think ..." when there are strong tension. Even in the unlikely event that happened, it found that this fact directly influenced the resolution of the conflict. In Gottman's words, "did not predict anything" .5 It may be that couples who have adopted this model ended up waiting for a kind of perfection in the heat of conflict simply not achieved. Moreover, the investigation revealed that actively and attentively listen to the spouse was useful in several respects. For example, can help when one spouse listens to the other while you are complaining about another person (eg., The head of work). Also this is very valuable in a "conversation of rehabilitation", where the couple spent to repair the relationship after a fight. And finally, the listener is beneficial to strengthen intimacy and knowing better. What research shows is that marriage in the heat of battle, very few people are able to follow the "rules" of good communication. Usually it is difficult to really listen to what your spouse is saying, even the best journalists are defending their own positions embroiled in an argument. It takes lots of patience to deal with marital conflict! also interesting research results on the crisis of aggression in marriage. Not found that anger attacks were statistically correlated with divorce, but were significant factors spouse contempt and defensiveness permanente.6 Couples who argue too much but not necessarily less happy than couples who never fight. Many couples tend to discuss and know how to reconcile and end up kissing: On the other hand, found that a certain amount of conflict and discussion correlated with enduring passion inmarriage.7 is not precisely rage that marriage deteriorates, but the failure to calm the anger. Research indicates that "venting" anger is a problem. Several researchers have found that trying to "download all" in a spouse increases the levels of anger and stress in those who are venting. The overall ratio between positive and negative expressions toward the spouse can predict the likelihood of divorce. We found that happy couples communicate, at least five positive statements to the spouse for each negative expression. Also, a confrontational style and discussant is also a serious problem when only one spouse is in accordance with that style, while the other suffers the devastating effects of ongoing stress withstand for long.The Bible says that anger is not sin (Ephesians 4:26), but also recommends that "Do not let the sun while you're angry." Active listening can help restore the relationship after a conflict, but we need more forgiving, both ourselves and our spouse, for errors we make in our disagreements.
Myth 4: The quality of marriage inevitably declines with time. Most people believe that passion inevitably dies and marriages, as time goes on, end up being boring. It is true that many couples report a decline in marital satisfaction over the course of time, but there are several recent research results show that this is not inevitable. In fact, the marriage may improve with experience. For its part, the marital therapist David Schnarch says it is only in later life of a monogamous pair when it manages to discover the power of passion sexual.8 Furthermore, Gottman's research showed that many couples find more tolerance, more greater appreciation and desire to be with each other over time. In short, the greatest happiness in married life is not in the initial euphoria but the lasting satisfaction of a faithful companion for many years.mutual passion does not depend of age. We now know much about the biochemistry and neurology of love and passion. The "chemistry" of a relationship changes over time. There is an initial euphoria at the beginning of love that usually lasts about two years and a specific chemical differences that characterize the long-term relationship. Unfortunately, many couples give up the relationship when the initial chemical begins to decrease. Engage in new relationships that do not exceed two years, without ever experiencing true love emotional satisfaction in the long run, it's much more rewarding than the initial exaltation. Myth 5: It is likely that the spouse who rarely spontaneous sexual passion is incompetent. When images of passionate sexuality bombard us constantly from the media, most married people tend to think that should always be burning with passion for your spouse. May feel guilty if they are overwhelmed by the accounts payable and laundry, and not think about sex and jumping into bed whenever the opportunity arises. Until recently, scholars believed sexual issues we all experience similar sexual desire. Usually something you actively feel a sense of excitement, which in turn creates sexual desire. But, as has been pointed out Michelle Weiner Davis, "in some people, the sexual impulse-the urge to have sex-not above the feelings of excitement, but the reverse is later" .9 That is, there are people who barely passionate fantasies experience, but if they have a intimate relationship with their spouse, they find they have an intense experience and feel very attached to his consort. Those who have experienced a sense of failure, guilt and alienation from your spouse during sex may find that the rule this myth helps them feel better about themselves and respond better to your partner. This also reminds us that a stable and committed marriage requires each spouse does not neglect the intimate needs of another, which forms the basis of marital passion. Myth 6: Opposites attract and ensure happiness. The basic idea of \u200b\u200bthis belief is that we are attracted to someone very different from us because we improved diversity and complete. This is a partial truth. Some feel that certain differences between spouses are an asset and a source of attraction. However, research indicates that the best couples are more similarities than differences between them and the similarity in a multitude of factors (such as age, education, religion, values, etc.) correlates with higher levels of satisfaction marital.10 research on the types of temperaments (as Meyer Briggs inventory) confirms that couples can enjoy some differences, but those that are opposites on the four scales are less happy than other couples semejantes.11 The best approach to the issue of differences is to understand that most of us enjoy some differences that help balance life. It is good to accept these differences and not go into a massive "reform bill" a spouse to marry. But who is looking for a spouse should know that is hard to overcome many differences in the pair. The disparities that we tend to ignore the principle of marriage become increasingly difficult over the years. It's much better to look for marriage to someone who shares our core values \u200b\u200band lifestyle. Some conclusions Marriage is a great adventure. It is also one of the most challenging relationships in life. In a world full of false images of love and romance, the more we know about the marriage relationship, the better their results in the search for a spouse and in building a good marriage. What principles must remember, dear reader or reader? First, establishing a genuine and deep friendship with whom you are thinking about getting married or who has made marriage. Strive for good communication but do not expect perfection especially in the midst of a heated discussion. Do not be fooled by an initial current euphoric chemistry or alarmed when it fades. The ingredients of lasting passion and commitment are very different from those seen in movies and on TV. strengthens the points you have in common with your partner, especially in the area of \u200b\u200bbasic values \u200b\u200band how they really live their lives. If you're not married, remember that these matches can be more important than you think.
Calvin Thomsen's family ministry pastor at the Adventist Church of Loma Linda University, California. He is completing a doctorate in marriage and family therapy and teaches courses in family therapy, couples therapy and sex therapy at Loma Linda University, besides being a pastoral counselor at the University of La Sierra. Referencis : 1. John Gottman, The Marriage Clinic: A Scientifically Based Marital Therapy (New York, Norton, 1999), p. 18.2. Ibid., p. 83. 3. Robert Sternberg, Cupid’s Arrow: The Course of Love Through Time (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1998), p. 123. 4. Ibid., 150-152. 5. Gottman, p. 11. 8. Ver David Schnarch, Passionate Marriage (New York: Holt, 1997). 9. Michelle Weiner Davis, The Sex-Starved Marriage (New York: Simon and Schuster, 2003), p. 12. 10. Ayala Pines, Falling in Love: Why We Choose Choose the Lovers We (New York: Routlidge, 1999), p. 53. 11. David Keirsey, Please Understand Me II (Del Mar, California: Prometheus Nemesis Book Company, 1998), p. 212. |
